My Body is Surviving, but My Spirit Must Prevail

When you find your body struggling with itself, what do you do? You write. Right now, my new self (My old self died years ago when contemplating death and hopelessness had set in at the worst of my illness; a new stronger, wiser and grateful self emerged.), the Babs Beast (Babesia), and Bad ‘ol Ella (Bartonella) are having a major battle inside my body. It seems that the last three months of treatment managed to tame the Babs Beast, but now ‘ol Ella has gained the upper hand.
I didn’t need a doctor to confirm that yesterday because I could feel it. I’ve been battling moments of rage and hopelessness. Good ‘ol Ella wants me to climb down in that deep dark hole and stay there while my new self is fighting to remain.

At the moment, I’m clinging to the many blessings I have and, it’s keeping me afloat. I’m so happy that I have my Terrible Two (furbabies), they sense my emotions and are there with a kiss or a gentle paw when you’ve just broken down and began crying; and then they are there when you feel the overwhelming rage wanting to scream or ‘Ol Ella has pulled you into that deep dark hole and you’re struggling to get out.
My Terrible Two sense that and are always right there helping me through the internal struggle that nobody sees. What they see is the polite, happy go lucky person that has learned to emerge and play the part that everyone expects. The person that goes through the motions of life of appearing normal.
You feel bad when your good friend calls and is talking to you, but you’re really not carrying your end of the conversation. Finally, you tell her that you really not into talking, but she knows because she’s still been calling (almost every day) and is still my friend for all these years when all those other “friends” have stopped calling or checking in on you.
The last couple of weeks, I knew my body has been at war, I’ve been having a difficult time getting things done. I don’t want to do anything, but I will myself to do “something.” When ‘Ol Ella has gained control of my body, she wants me to shut everyone out and crawl in the hole and not come out; it feels that she’s winning.
How do I know? Because I love working with my two fur babies, especially nose work (scent work) and I haven’t even “wanted” to, lately. Usually, I always see things in pictures, videos, TV, or as I’m driving, and think: “Wow! That would be an awesome place for a nose work Trial,” and I haven’t had that notion although she hasn’t won!
I get up. I get dressed. I eat. I play with my furbabies. I train with my Two. I get supper together. I clean up the dishes. I’m writing this! I’m sharing this!
Each time I accomplish a task, I win!
Unless you’ve experienced this, you will never truly understand.
“Trust yourself. You’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming.”

Babesia has been my biggest issue, but I’ve struggled with Bartonella just as long and is usually overpowered by the Babesia. 

Bartonella: In my past, Bartonella was responsible for major mood swings so I can usually read the signs since usually a pretty positive and level headed person.  “Patients may suffer relapses because bartonella periodically cycles into red blood cells, which may provide a protective niche for the bacteria.

Early signs of bartonellosis include fever, fatigue, headache, poor appetite, and an unusual streaked rash that resembles “stretch marks” from pregnancy. Swollen glands are typical, especially around the head, neck and arms. Patients with bartonelliosis report more neurological symptoms and are more likely to have visited a neurologist than members of the general population. Some common symptoms include blurred vision, numbness in the extremities, memory loss, balance problems, headaches, ataxia (unsteady gait), and tremors. Bartonellosis also sometimes triggers psychiatric manifestations.” ~ LymeDisease.org