I’m Ready. Why Can’t You Just Let Me Go?

I’m Ready. Why Can’t You Just Let Me Go?

I open my eyes only to find that I am still in the same cold and sterile room that I have been trapped in for days, weeks, months, I truly don’t know. It truly feels like it’s been an eternity. Who is this woman that is talking to me? “Hi, I’m Lucy, I’m going to take some blood, you’re going to feel a tiny prick. Great, see that wasn’t so bad.”

I must have dozed off, “its lunch time, you really need to eat something to help you regain your strength.” This woman is shoving food in my mouth that I really don’t care for or want. Can’t she understand I don’t want to eat! I don’t want to be here anymore! How in the world could I have ended up here? I look up at this machine that is connected to me. I can feel the cold liquid flowing into me. I hear the steady beeps.  

I see a woman come in smiling. “Hi ma, how you feeling? You look good.” Who is this woman? She’s calling me mom. I want to scream in response; I want to tell her that I feel absolutely horrible; I feel pain all the time. I can’t stand being trapped in this room. The days are endless. Please, all I want to do is rest. I want to feel peace. I want to tell her how humiliating it is to have someone bathe and clean me. It is degrading! I want to tell her that when they come to move me, my body bursts in horrendous pain, that I can’t control the obscenities that escape my lips because just any small movement transcends to excruciating pain! Pain. Pain. Pain. The thing is that when I open my mouth to speak, I can’t remember what I wanted to say or what I had just said. Geez, I don’t even remember my name at times. For an instant, I remember who this woman is and an overwhelming sense of familiarity and love overcome me, then in an instant I can’t remember who this person is to me.

I fall asleep hoping that I will drift off to a land where I can at last rest in peace. I dream of being able to do what I want and with no pain. I dream of being healthy, happy and loved with my beloved sons and daughter and yes, the man that I shared most of my life with. We’re having a grand ole time. I am unbelievably happy.

I awaken once again, only to find that this nightmare just doesn’t end. I was once a proud and strong woman. Now, look at me. I’ve lived a long time; I’ve experienced many many things. I’m content with leaving this world. I’m ready but I’m stuck in this body with all these tubes attached to me. I can smell and taste vitamins. I have a slightly metallic taste that must be the endless supply of antibiotics they are pumping into me. I’m always sleeping; they must be giving me something that makes me sleep. Why can’t they just leave me be? Oh, how I would love to be able to go somewhere so that I could just lie down and go to sleep. A place where I can just go to meet my maker. A place to let nature take its course.

Why won’t they listen to me? I refuse to eat. I refuse to take “my meds;” but yet they just keep me trapped here attached all to these tubes and machines. I understand that they love me. I just want them to remember me as the strong and proud woman I once was. Please, oh please.

Why can’t you just leave me be? Why? Why can’t you just let me go?