Concealed Tortured Soul

For years now, there have been many heated debates over Lyme Disease and its effects on psychological behaviors or whether there is any affect at all even despite evidence that has been presented. Pamela Weintraub has posted several articles regarding this very issue. Dr. Robert Bransfield has also conducted research on the psychiatric manifestations of Lyme Disease and has had over 200 “peer-reviewed articles describe the causal association between Lyme/tick-borne diseases and mental symptom pathophysiology, morbidity and mortality.”

I am not an expert but what I read the other day; I’d say I would have to agree with Dr. Bransfield and Ms. Weintraub. Lyme Disease can cause erratic behavior especially after discovering an old lost journal of a time that I had long put behind me.  

Concealed Tortured Soul

While spring cleaning, I stumbled upon my journal (Lyme Journal approx. 7 yrs. ago) that I kept when I was bedridden and unable to care for myself. It was as if reading the diary of a total stranger. Who was this person that wrote these thoughts?

It was a vicious cycle, a wounded animal, a young soul vanquished, and then an enraged beast with moments of unreserved joy scattered amidst the horrid moments. My disposition was fleeting—abrupt, unpredictable and random. I didn’t recognize this woman that had written this journal.

It was as if my utter soul had been ripped apart nowhere to be seen again. A soul that no longer felt worthy to be alive then a soul relishing in her surroundings to a soul that wished for death. She was screaming for understanding and love but was only left to feel alone and lost. The nights when she had lost her sight she could only describe it as if she were adrift in a huge black abyss for eternity longing for the sun to finally peak its head. Once the sun finally appeared, she was in utter bliss taking in the beauty around her—brilliant blue skies, lovely white fluffy clouds floating in air, and the dark richness of wood around her counting her blessings that her eye sight had been restored if only for the day.

An instant later, she was on the cold hard floor cursing inside as she slid across the floor desperate to make it to the bathroom in time. With every inch her body cried out in nauseating agony as the peripheral neuropathy reared its ugly head feeling as if it was an enormous blazing inferno. A second later, she was overwhelmed with relief that at least today it didn’t cut like a knife with each breath she would take.

I hadn’t realized that I was sobbing as I was sitting there reading. I skimmed ahead.

The entry was a day when she was walking; she was overflowing with confidence—beaming only to be seething in outrage because she could not control her shaking to be able to feed herself without making a complete mess everywhere. She exploded into a frenzied craze screaming obscenities and then alas she was in her bedroom beating her pillows and bawling her head off when exhaustion finally set in and fell asleep.

Coming across this journal was emotionally draining for me even years later when I have been symptom free for a little over a year now. I flipped through reading excerpts here and there, it was an emotional roller coaster; but what got me was an entry that brought me down to my knees was that she kept all these emotions hidden from her family and friends. This whole entire time she hid these feelings, secluding herself from everyone. When she did see family or friends, she portrayed the strong soul that was muddling through. She never once revealed the concealed tortured soul.

The past can hurt, but the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it. I chose to learn from it!

NOTE: Looking back, after recovering from a similar experience with Babesia, I realize that what I had done back then was the worst thing for anyone. By repressing these feelings and emotions of loneliness, sadness and anger, I was depleting my body of the energy that I needed to heal. Release those emotions you have been holding deep down and allow them to be free, it may ultimately give you the extra burst of healing energy that your body needs to finally turn the corner and finally see the light of recovery.

Lessons Learned:  Pearls of Insight: