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This Stupid Roller Coaster Ride!

77980hulk1I have been crying the last three days straight, and I am very weepy.  So, I need to vent.

I am just so freaking tired of all of this crap:

losing my hair,

this stupid rash,

taking all of these horrible pills,

taking all these horrible liquid meds and herbs,

my stomach being all icky most of the time,

getting headaches and eye pain when I try to read,

having migraines daily,

my eyes becoming sensitive to light again,

feeling needles and pins in my eye,

numbness and tingling in my feet and hands,

tenderness all long my spine,

being so tired no matter how long I sleep,

having stiff and achy joints,

being so weak at times,

the intermittent nerve pain,

this stupid roller coaster ride,

not being in control of my body,

and feeling so blue each new cycle,

and, most of all, for feeling this way right now.

Maybe this all came to a head because the anniversary of my two best friends’ deaths was yesterday.  Or, the news that my aunt has at most eight weeks to live. 

So very, very angry with myself right now, for feeling this way right now.

(Let yourself be angry.  We can’t always remain positive. We need to let go of the negative energy that’s inside us. Vent, scream or beat a pillow, you need to let it go.)

Lessons Learned:

My Mind Says Give Up! My Heart Won’t Let Me

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I just can’t help it; maybe I’m too positive. I still love life and probably always will. I began this week not being able to wear clothes. It felt as if I was bruised all over my body. It also felt like I was burnt all over even breathing hurt. It lasted about two days, and each day after that it either became more bearable to me or was less–I’m not quite certain. My spine is still tender, but I make it a point to dress like I was going out somewhere. My short-term memory is short, short, short and, at times, nonexistent. I feel like I am watching myself through a movie and just can’t seem to get enough rest. The fatigue is just so intense at times.

I just look around and thank God for everything. I love my husband, my dog, my family, and my friends. I love looking at the mountains, the sunsets, the full moon, etc.  I just have this feeling that all will be OK. A sense of well-being and contentedness. I know I will get through this stronger in mind, body, and soul. We will all get through this I know, not all the same way, and the way we imagine but we will get through it. For we all have our purpose here on earth so I guess I better go and do what I can and enjoy every minute of life.

My mind says give up, but my heart won’t let me. As Evander Holyfield says:  “It is not the size of the man but the size of his heart that matters.”  I may add, it is also the strength of your heart too that matters. 

Gratitude:  Lessons Learned:  Inspiration:

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